Re-engagement
- Matthew - Matthew@Alphasongs.net
- Sep 1
- 7 min read
Well, it’s been a few weeks since I’ve shared thoughts, but today seemed like a good day to do so. So let me bring you up to date. I’m still somewhat in sabbatical mode, although I am beginning to re-engage my composing efforts as I recover from diagnosed (DSM IV) Adjustment Disorder from changes over these past 2 years mentioned in prior blog posts. I’m still in therapy and a discussion group for people dealing with estranged family and other separations. I have managed my conditions of Complex PTSD and discovering my Childhood Narcissistic Abuse successfully (also professionally diagnosed conditions). Attention to physical health and keeping things in order in general has been positive.
I do wish to share a set of links here which are my current social media locations. I've posted less on social media during my sabbatical, but I am focusing on moving forward with some changes now that I’m retired from a career in data engineering and pursuing my composing efforts. Here is a list of my social links:
· Facebook – Posting personal life on personal page and public stuff on my Alphasongs pages
o Personal Page - https://www.facebook.com/mlkearns
o Alphasongs by Matthew L. Kearns - https://www.facebook.com/AlphasongsByMatt
o Alphasongs Facebook reels - https://www.facebook.com/AlphasongsByMatt/reels/
· Instagram – My old page is active but no longer updated. All my new Instagram posts have been on my new page. If I know you directly, you may be getting follow requests from my new page in the coming weeks or you can send me follow requests. BTW – retired from being a dbguru (database guru)
o Old Page (dbguru) - https://www.instagram.com/dbguru/
o New page (AlphasongsMatt) - https://www.instagram.com/AlphasongsMatt
· Threads – Same story as Instagram – except that I have not yet ramped up much activity on my new threads
o Old Threads - https://www.threads.com/@dbguru
o New Threads - https://www.threads.com/@alphasongsmatt
· Linked In – I’ve been undecided about whether to stay with my older career page or start a completely new one purely focused on my music activities. But here they are:
o My original Linked In - www.linkedin.com/in/matthew-kearns-9027362
o New Linked In possibly in development - www.linkedin.com/in/matthew-l-kearns-063a44346
· You Tube - Please subscribe, like and comment
· SoundCloud – Audio only demos – Like and follow Some of these are old. Working on it.
· Alphasongs.net – Website Links
Over these last few years, I have learned so much about composing and developing a website (thank you John Muehleisen) but navigating paths to market and promote my work along current channels is challenging, something I know I have needed help with for years. Because of my own circumstances, I have not been working on marketing efforts, even when the second version of the website got completed late in 2024. I am now making small steps in my marketing efforts. Help is appreciated.
It continues to be important to share my story. I have been overcoming many challenges on my own. I still do not have a single member of my blood related family keeping any significant contact with me other than a couple distant cousins keeping casual social media contact. I can only attribute it to falsely manipulated perceptions of others outside my presence and in my families, both the one I grew up in and the one I married into, creating belligerent judgements toward me and of me based on false perceptions. Just some major unfortunate bullshit in my past. But I know that is not on me and I truly need this sabbatical to adjust and move on. Fortunately, that has been my path which I am adjusting to.
Journalling and telling my story continues to be important to me, giving me a sense of purpose and value. I took a delightful vacation a couple weeks back to the Oregon and Washington coastlines visiting Lincoln City, Newport, Tillamook, Long Beach and the Willapa Bay peninsula. It was a great summer trip. In Long Beach, I spent a couple of days with my stepmom and my father’s BFF who have lived together since my father’s death 35 years ago. Right now, this is my closest family, and I really did appreciate the love shared in our two days together. Thank you,
Sally and John. And I did get to the Kite Festival after saying good-bye. What a sight!!
I’ve also had a recent re-union with several of my high school classmates. Great to catch up with them. This has become a more annual event. And although it is quiet now and the Labor Day holiday weekend is upon us, football season and the music season is now opening. My first college, Lehigh University, won its first football game (21-14 over Richmond) and my second college, the UW Huskies are ramping up (winning as well). Of course, I’m already getting into the NFL season with my 50th year as a Seattle Seahawk season ticket holder. This year, the team sent me an “Original Season Ticket Holder” jacket, which I am looking forward to wearing at home games. Kirkland Choral Society rehearsals on Wednesdays next week. I continue to stay in good physical health now that the toe wound that immobilized me for two years is fully healed. Walking barefoot on the beach and around the house and neighborhood is truly a blessing from the efforts toward my good physical health.
I am writing some music, but slowly. It has taken me some time to get my musical thoughts back to connection with my composing tools. It was important for me to get other parts of my life in order in 2025. My physical health, financial health, mental health and the stability of keeping a home in good order and cleanliness were higher priorities so that I have a good emotional foundation to continue my efforts. I have completed a short 12 bar interlude and am well into composing two unpublished songs from the play. I continue to work with John and Kai on these new songs as they materialize. I’m also getting a better sense of long-term goals in my composing efforts which will manifest itself with published songbooks, one for the play and one for my independent works. I have a sense of purpose with my composing, and I know this is essential to who I am in my pursuit of happiness.
I do take note of the news and public discourse on a regular basis. The difference in public outlook and discourse happening since the change in government is breathtaking and almost incomprehensible and thus, I share the personal feeling of being scared with many of you. But my own life’s experience does clarify the circumstances and why I am scared.
When I received a diagnosis of Childhood Narcissistic Abuse in 2019 from my mental health provider after months of therapy, it became incumbent upon me to understand what narcissism is in its many variations. Also, how growing up in a narcissistic toxic family structure created difficulties that I had limited understanding of because of being conditioned to disregard the abuse I was living through in my childhood and teenage years. Therapy, meditation, journaling uncovered many of the horrifying details of what I lived through, and thought was normal. But the therapy was also making me more aware of toxic dynamics in family I grew up with, people at work, and with the family I married into especially my ex-wife and children. It was necessary to be sensitive to narcissistic behaviors for my own protection from vulnerabilities I was becoming aware of in my therapy. I certainly do not have the professional credentials to officially diagnose a person’s mental condition, but understanding the conditions and behaviors associated with narcissism was a vulnerability most necessary for me to patch up.
Elements of my therapy most necessary to help me learn my vulnerabilities included studies of my diagnosed conditions (Abuse, Complex PTSD), the environments in which these conditions developed to become damaging, understanding the Karpman Drama Triangle and how this triangle degrades relationships into conflicts, understanding what observations are and what are facts vs. judgements in communication, conversations and presentations, and finally two most important studies in emotional intelligence, a seven part course I took at work, and the work of the late Dr. Marshall Rosenberg in conflict resolution and non-violent communication. With the Dr Rosenberg studies, I was finally becoming aware of how much violent communication takes place in our public lives and our private lives, especially in toxic families like I had experienced. I truly value the education my therapy provided me.
I learned the development patterns of narcissism and how it can be pervasive in toxic family structures. Narcissism can run in families and in my life, it was in the family I grew up with and the family I married into. People can develop complicated deep-seeded insecurities about themselves and their limitations. Personal appearance, weight, limited finances, health limitations, and a variety of other situations can be at the root of these insecurities. One has a choice to either accept their limitations with education and awareness to improve and heal the limiting situations, or they deny and hide their limitations which requires that they control conversations around the sensitive weaknesses. Sometimes this develops into violent forms of communication or lying to control those conversations. And this is where a narcissistic personality disorder and the need to control develops, because that person develops a conversational mask to hide behind and deny who they really are. Very quick to judge (aka judgmental and opinionated) and nothing is ever their fault. They are happy to put the “I’m always right” hat on. Both of my parents were that way with me, never wrong about anything. Similar behaviors in the family I just un married from. My parents often claimed to be perfect so many times to my face and never conceding they could be wrong about anything.
All that’s necessary is controlling the conversations, get support from enablers wishing to stay in your favor and shoot down anyone who challenges that. The Need to control becomes its own cancer. Narcissists become bullies, even the covert ones. And of course, the national situation becomes more understandable with what I’ve learned in my own life and in therapy over these past several years.
In the end, love is always an answer and to love someone, you show love constantly, no excuses. And you be faithful in showing love to yourself personally, something I've had to learn. I am happy with the sabbatical and the time it is giving me to get back to my own sense of self-worth. My health improvement these last few months has been significant. I was able to walk barefoot on the beach!! I’m not perfect, but I am comfortable in my own skin and I’m nurturing my capacity to heal from my past. I’m much happier than I was two years ago, now that divorce is behind me. My home is clean, sanitary and in order. I love my place. Of course, the circumstances made some past connections difficult to maintain, but I’m totally at peace with what happened and feel I’m on a much better path now. Thanks for taking the time to read my blog. Keep in touch.
Matthew
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