Into November? OMG

Greetings Friends,

OK, I have several reasons for not updating my blog since early last month, but it's nothing serious. I do wish to update you with some developments and thoughts over these past few weeks. I traveled to Los Angeles late last month and spent some time with Kai Cofer,, my friend and prolific writer of stories and scripts. Great weather and good cuisine.

Also, I've been in the midst of rehearsals for upcoming concerts that I am singing in December 5th, 6th, and 7th. So let me provide some details. I continue to sing with one of the Seattle area's top choral groups, The Kirkland Choral Society, in partnership with the Philharmonia Northwest orchestra. Follow this link for more details about the concerts and tickets, which are selling out fast. https://www.kirklandchoralsociety.org/

The music we are performing is challenging especially with languages and tempo. Most of my next 3 weeks will be in preparation for these performances.

In this area, the time of year is often called, "The Dark Season", a characteristic of more northern latitudes with marine climates. Seasonal depression is a definite thing here. At least I have some good strategies for addressing the condition. I am a bit depressed about a very small wound that happened on my right toe with the complicated skin condition, a remnant of a childhood circumstance. I'm back to being unable to spend much time on my feet until this heals. I do wear prescription orthotics to protect this area and have gained skills in treatment and dressings. Around my home, I wear a walking shoe to offload pressure on the toe. I'm missing being able to take walks right now. I was in this situation for much of the last two years until this spring when I healed, finally. Hopefully, just a setback for a few weeks.

In all honesty, as I came into 2025, I had an overload of personal situations to deal with, including the toe wound, an emerging incurable eye condition known as MacTel 2 (affecting central vision and my musical sight reading abilities), retiring from my professional data engineering career in the middle of a divorce and moving into a new home on my own, and without help, I needed to put composing on the back burner while I sorted through dealing with all these situations. Mental health was a key priority and finding my new therapist, Harvey, provided so much needed care and beneficial perspectives. Also sharing circumstances with a weekly discussion group is very helpful. Harvey gave me an additional mental health diagnosis of "Adjustment Disorder", due to the sheer amount of difficult situations I was dealing with, completely in the absence of any support from family. Also, I am healing from Complex-PTSD and Childhood Narcissistic Abuse, in my mental health therapy. I was born into and married into toxic family situations. Until my six years of therapy, I didn't know any better. I am not familiar with members of my family showing me love. There is no significant communication from anyone of the few dozen people I am related too and its been that way for two years. That can definitely fuel my depression over the holidays. Fortunately, I do have friends. just no family, including children I've raised. I feel so ashamed of my family circumstances with belligerent judgements,, bearing false witness, and demanding guilt and shame from me for their own deep insecurities and inabilities to refrain from violent, abusive communication. I simply can't associate with all the blame, triangulation, manipulation and guilt-tripping I have endured for too long. I will always wish I had relatives authentically show me love. When others share stories of their loving families, I am triggered with depression. At least I know that I'm much happier gaining a far more positive sense of self-love and accomplishment in the absence of toxic family dynamics. I'm happy with my home, comfortable in my own skin and confident in my self-management and boundaries. No more violent communication, transactional relationships or relationships without mutual respect.

Unfortunately, the necessary decision to put my composing on the back burner this year has been putting me in a creative rut. I am slowly digging my way out of this, but it takes time. I must record more musical thoughts. I would love to have some conversations with some friends I haven't seen for a while, Perhaps some coffee, lunch or dinner conversations. In the meantime, I also know that I need to get back to journaling on three levels, this blog, my private journal and recording my musical thoughts. Time slips away quickly as you get older. Making connections, conversations and journaling to reflect on times and thoughts shared helps provide good directions and slow things down a bit. I'd love more of that.

Happy Thanksgiving!!