A Chrysalis Opens in the Sunshine of Love

My life’s journey is such an unusual path. But isn’t everyone’s? The title of this blog conveys a metaphor of my current life. For 2 years I needed to build this cocoon of safety. A chrysalis state-of-life often happens in the wake of grief and trauma. My mental health counselor identifies my grief as a deeply complex entanglement born of toxic family dynamics in both the family I grew up in and the family from which I am recently divorced. Now that being away from the old dynamics has brought clarity and safety, my relatives would hardly recognize me, The clarity has stimulated anger about how, in my immediate family, "love" was not authentic most of my life. The clarity has also changed me to a point that I am not the person my past family and friends would be that familiar with. I had to get away. Therapy changes you. In retrospect, my historical family experience is collectively painful and professionally diagnosed to have been significantly damaging. Because this damage runs deep—but is completely invisible and impossible for anyone I know or meet to understand—I am compelled to write about this so people know where I am right now. I am currently in a chrysalis that will open in the sunshine of love that shines on me.

Part of the problem is that none of my living relatives have shared any authentic compassion for my circumstances, and I’m angry.  They simply do they respect of understand the nature of trauma coming from the close relations with people having personality disorders, in different flavors of narcissism. They simply do not respect, understand or show any compassion for my diagnosis. People with narcissistic disorders simply do not have the capacity to show love, even if they feel it a little bit on the inside. And the condition is usually incurable and rarely resolved, only solved by others by avoidance. I have written lyrics to a new song called, “You Got to Show Love” which captures my disappointment about family members professing to feel love for me but never authentically showing me love. I feel grief and anger. I really do not deserve how my entire family has treated me. And I don’t deserve any toxic guilt or shaming from them because that has already done enough damage. I will not return to that place.

The holidays earlier this month elevated my feelings of grief and depression coming from my circumstances and lack of family. They don’t know me or include me in holiday plans. I was not prepared well for the holidays, but my Passover included a nice community seder and some good feelings and a message or two from friends. Of course, the news of the world has also been depressing. On the world stage I see the toxic dynamics of narcissism play itself on the world stage, making me think this is the scourge of the world, not just my own personal life. Some experts say one in six have various narcissism disorders on the spectrum, and they are mostly incurable because the inflated ego prevents it. And the scourge spreads from the one, onto others enabling them in toxic transactional relationships, entered for self-interest. It’s so sick to see how this happens everywhere.

But let me describe my life inside this personal paradise, my chrysalis. My dear friend and mentor, John Muehleisen made a valuable agreement with me six years ago when I started working with him. John introduced me to the “NO SHAME ZONE”. The No Shame Zone is essential to me and a place I never experienced in my own families. Belligerent judgement, shame, guilt has been constants in my family life as is the case in all toxic families especially when you are prone from an early age to be the scapegoat as happened in childhood. I cannot go back to that place. My chrysalis is safe in the absence of love and can only open in the sunshine of authentic love.

I truly love my home. It’s peaceful, affordable, with amenities and a great location. I am fortunate to have retired from my data engineering career successfully and secure. My domestic skills are sound, and my place stays clean, sanitary and in order. I love to cook, make my own bread and yogurt along with numerous other good food. My physical health has significantly improved in two years. I’m waking up in peace and safe to be here in this chrysalis stage. But it’s an isolated situation without anyone I can reach out to in emergencies. Complete unloving family isolation. Total estrangement. Holidays are emotionally difficult. If you do meet up with me, please don’t ask about my children. One made a public death threat to me 3 years ago and the other has completely excluded me from her impending marriage, an inexcusable and permanent act of separation. I have children who separated from me through narcissistic triangulation which seems to have become permanent toxic scapegoating of me that I am prescribed by my therapist to avoid like the plague. I had an ex-wife and manipulated children who simply cannot show love and honor to a father that deserves so much more.

I do have friends, but they are of a casual nature without much real social engagement. I wish to mention an enduring long-distance friend who became known to me when I first released my website in 2023. God knows I’ve always needed help with marketing my music and I became interested because she demonstrated some acumen and ideas in online marketing for my website. Even though she knew I was married and respected that, she did become enamored. I flirted a little with her. She became a catalyst in my divorce, since my ex was snooping in my business communications and made an ultimatum about having this person as a friend. I refused to accept the ultimatum about who I could have as friends in my musical endeavors and in general. I was angry and proceeded to give my ex the impression that I was going to go out and fool around after 20 years of minimal affection and no sex. A husband needs affection from his wife. But the reality is that I never connected with any other woman. I fought temptation, a lot of it. But my body count has not increased during and since my divorce. I never cheated in my 30-year marriage and G_d knows.

My long-distance friend remains after 2 ½ years and has consistently shown love and affection in our long-distance communication. Her name is Abigael. She is saddled with her father’s elder care. But her communication and caring have been enduring. Knowing she is there has kept me out of trouble and entanglements. She’s been an authentic friend. I really do appreciate her presence in my life except that the long-distance situation is difficult. Perhaps this may change.

I simply know that the sunshine of love from my relationships will open the chrysalis. I need to focus forward and heal from my past. I’ve been isolated and dealing with very complex grief now journaled extensively in my diaries over the past several years. Somehow, I had a solid professional career and a divorce settlement which has allowed me retirement from my data engineering career. Despite difficult inner trauma over decades, I have held it together and still do.  I’m in a much better space. I am not naturally an introvert. I love and appreciate my friends getting in touch and meeting up. I have a great Starbucks near 405 and 522 and a short walk from my apartment to meet up for a re-union chat.

Today, a final dress rehearsal for a great concert I’m preforming in with Kirkland Choral and Philharmonia Northwest on April 26th. Tickets still available! https://www.kirklandchoralsociety.org/

I’m still working on website updates and new music at a gentle pace for now.

Keep in touch. Thanks for your time reading this.