Beginnings

​

The sound of my mother’s singing and piano filled my ears from before birth and throughout my childhood. And both parents played recorded music several times a week. Consequently, I developed a very strong affinity for music very early in my life. My mother wanted to be a professional opera singer, but unfortunately, despite her special vocal talent, my mother was diagnosed to have a complex set of significant mental health challenges. She struggled with self-esteem and avoided taking responsibility in most situations. She was quick to judge and shared her opinions often without much thought. She harbored contempt, jealousy, and never seemed to be happy with anything. And I remember her constantly making promises to me that were always broken.

My father was deeply supportive of my mother’s musical dreams to become an opera star and poured much of his earnings into singing lessons to support her opera-star pursuit. He, too, had his own challenges and was physically incapacitated by Spinal Muscular Atrophy (SMA), a deeply debilitating genetic neuro-muscular disease. Nevertheless, he pursued owning a business, first as a metal broker and later selling vehicle conversions for handicapped drivers and passengers. When I was age 7, he had an accident in which he broke his leg. Combined with his disease, this accident confined him to a wheelchair for the next 26 years of his life as SMA slowly deteriorated the neuro-muscular control he had in his lower back and thighs, ultimately requiring skilled nursing care at home.

My mom took little responsibility for my father's care, other than training and conditioning me to provide this care exclusively as my top priority beginning at age 7 for the next 11 years. Both parents communicated to me directly that my primary purpose in life was taking care of them until I graduated high school. Secondary to that was just getting through school. Instead of that “sissy” music stuff, my dad made pursuing football a priority.  My mother would augment my nursing care responsibilities with overloads of domestic responsibilities at home, including cooking, gardening, and housekeeping. In her pursuit to become a “diva,” she won an audition to perform with the main local opera company. After many decades, I now understand how most of her behavioral quirks were a serious narcissistic disorder. Both she and my father began to consistently discourage my musical affinities as I was approaching my adolescence. In fact, my mother communicated to me that she was highly concerned that my presence among her musical connections would reveal her advancing age, so she and my father began making it very clear that they did not want me to pursue music, despite my strong affinities. And my mother wanted me nowhere near her musical life.
 

 

A Conflicted Childhood with Music

​

Pursuing music was very much discouraged by both my parents; consequently, I received many reasons not to pursue music, which I only recently discovered were based on fears from both my parents about how a career in music would impact my life. For example, my mother mentioned that pursuing my early musical prowess would lead to difficult paths and both my parents stated directly to me they were serious about stifling my musical development. As a result, I had to set various boundaries with my family. Therapy later led me to relive many chapters of mental, emotional and physical abuse from my childhood. I now see these chapters with a different awareness. Before therapy, I was so unaware of how I had been conditioned, gaslighted, and bullied in many family situations. In my therapy, these personal revelations have been a challenge for me to process, but understanding these elements of my past has been part of my healing.

 

After Leaving Home

After graduating high school, I left home to pursue college at Lehigh University in Bethlehem, PA. There were several reasons I chose Lehigh, but one reason my parents were fond of was that, at the time, Lehigh had no degree program in music, something they both feared me pursuing. I had very high marks in mathematics and that’s where they felt I should make my hay, so I pursued mathematics and statistics. But I also I joined Lehigh’s Glee Club, took voice lessons, music theory, and began collaborating/jamming with other musicians, all in an environment where I was safe from my parents’ discouragement. My instrumental skills were behind my vocal skills, but both carried me into some meaningful collaborative musical pursuits with other musicians and bands. It was during that time that I began to write lyrics and songs, something I had dreamt about doing beginning in my late teens.
 

Unfortunately, there were setbacks in my family that prevented me from finishing college at Lehigh, including my musical endeavors. Financial resources disappeared. My parents were going broke and divorcing. I basically understood that I would be personally and financially responsible for any continuing education I achieved. As a result, I worked in retail management and started paying to finish my bachelor’s degree at the University of Washington, which I finally did 8 years after I left Lehigh. This allowed for more professional career choices, first as an actuary and later as a data engineer. With new career pursuits, marriage, and children, my musical pursuits went dormant for the next 15 years. The musical thoughts were still there but going nowhere.

 
Reconnecting with Music and with Myself

With the turn of the millennium, I reconnected with singing by auditioning for the Kirkland Choral Society, a top community choral group in the Pacific Northwest. Over the next 20 years, my singing blossomed to a semiprofessional level with some paid solo and small-ensemble work, for which I truly developed a passion. Many years later, I got involved with a contemporary acapella group at work. It was so much fun for a couple of years and my passions for this musical genre went into overdrive. The group and the friendships I developed from being together 2-3 times a week in rehearsals and performances were incredibly connecting and wonderful as a hobby, which really enhanced my work/life balance. But leaders in the group became biased in favor of younger singers and resorted to gaslighting and spreading untruthful rumors about me. Sadly, I had to quit the group and as a result, I was bewildered and seriously traumatized. I was simultaneously experiencing trauma from drama in my own family surrounding my mother and other relatives.
 

​Complex trauma patterns from my youth were retriggered and became deeply debilitating. In my youth, I became so conditioned to ignore belligerent judgement and gaslighting, so I needed therapy to untangle the psychological assault I was under. I didn't know how to be angry because I was conditioned and forbidden to be angry in my original family. My thoughts were consumed with the trauma for several hours a day.  I pursued therapy, transcendental meditation, and set necessary boundaries with the my original family and the old singing group. These boundaries have been emotionally difficult.

 

As I worked with my mental health providers, I eventually received a diagnosis of Childhood Trauma from Parental Narcissistic Abuse and Complex-PTSD, which was retriggered by multiple traumatic events in 2019 and derivative symptoms of anxiety and depression. Medication, meditation, and therapy have played key roles in my recovery. Being transparent about my story is important for me because my afflictions are very invisible. In my life, I cannot remember having any meaningful or significant conversations with my mother and that troubles me in personal situations. Situations like this are difficult to explain. I had no real understanding of my mother's mental health disabilities until recently by way of my own therapy. I have what is known as personality gaps: blind spots in my comprehension of personal dynamics. At times the gaps can lead to being judged harshly without people understanding my internal challenges. This is why I embrace transparency, creativity, and collaboration. As a result, musical composition has become a key source of healing, along with other new avenues of resiliency. I'm bravely trying to reconnect with my musical spirit in the aftermath of my recent resurgence of trauma.
 

​Channeling Trauma into Composing Music

In April 2019, I transformed the trauma I was experiencing into new resolutions of growth and change in my life. I wanted to produce something significant and meaningful from my musical passions; therefore, I needed to rise above the belligerent judgements and gaslighting. I began trying out composing software for vocal arrangements, an area of music I was most familiar with from my singing. I am grateful to say that I came to composing that April with no musical credentials, degrees, or accolades except for some dim memories of a couple semesters of music theory from almost 50 years ago at Lehigh University. Writing scores was completely new to me. But I started to learn how to harness the river of musical thoughts inside of me. With composing, I finally have a lake for this river to flow into. Working with the software to create music became intuitive immediately.
 

​Meeting John Muehleisen

​

During my trauma-laden times from 2019 to 2021, my continued association with Kirkland Choral Society (KCS) (https://www.kirklandchoralsociety.org) of Washington became a lifeline. I have been a part of this group under the direction of Dr. Glenn Gregg for over 20 years now. Over the years, l had been an occasional soloist, tenor section leader, and audition coordinator for Kirkland Choral. Glenn was aware of my growing efforts to compose. During an October 2019 concert, Glenn introduced me to his friend and professional composer, John Muehleisen (https://johnmuehleisen.com/), two of whose works Kirkland Choral was slated to perform that next spring.

​

​By the time the spring concert rolled around I was well into writing new music and cover arrangements for a fledgling a cappella vocal group I was developing. A musical thought came to me on Valentine’s Day 2020, and by the next week this thought developed into a rough draft of a 108-bar song called Driving Around and Round Again. Kirkland Choral’s spring concert featured John Muehleisen’s commission in the premiere performance of The Gathering, along with Love Is, another work recently premiered before our concert. After the Sunday show, John and his wife, Lynn, kindly attended our concert afterparty, during which they listened to an early draft of my Driving Around and Round Again. Although the song had some rough edges, they both loved it, and John mentioned the possibility of studying composition with him. It was a very special evening for me meeting John and Lynn, with hopes that the opportunity to study with John would materialize. Then the COVID-19 pandemic happened and singing pretty much shut down to a standstill.

​

​I continued to write new songs and three months later, was able to connect with John online and began studying with him. Since then, we’ve been meeting almost every week. I’m finally getting some of the education and opportunity that I’ve dreamed about since my teenage years. John is a special teacher and essential to helping me fulfill a lifelong dream.

 

Alphasongs 1.0

​

In 2023, I created Alphasongs LLC and the www.Alphasongs.net website introducing my first ten original songs to the public. I also became a member of ASCAP (American Society of Composers, Authors, and Publishers).  I was encouraged that my initial release caught some attention even though I refrained from marketing efforts. This was all while I was employed as a data engineer (up until May 2024) and felt I was not ready to fully promote my music during my employment. It was an eye opener to establish a web presence, which is an absolute necessity to pursuing composition in a professional manner.

​

Unfortunately, much of the online attention ended up being transactional schemes and scams. A lot of scams! Nevertheless, there were some genuine people showing sincere appreciation. I am grateful to those who appreciate my music, and I truly want to be gracious to my fans. Being more public leaves one more vulnerable in general, and I continue to face concerns about much of the incoming communication. Recently I’ve been super-focused on my compositional efforts and have become a bit of a recluse. Admittedly, it’s been a bit lonely, and I’ve not stayed in touch with some good friends but now’s a good time to reverse the process. Nevertheless, what matters to me right now is the miraculous pursuit of becoming a recognized composer and music publisher.

​

My therapy has helped me to learn about establishing boundaries and becoming aware of my own needs, values, and feelings. I am trying to learn principles of “non-violent communication” as taught by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg. I know that my past complex trauma is rooted in too much violent communication and verbal combat from my closest family relationships and from an early age. The excessive servitude and bullying I endured while taking care of my parents left deep scars, of which I’m only becoming aware of now: disabilities that are completely invisible to others and that I only became aware of in the last few years. Sometimes I’m amazed I survived my professional career as a data engineer. Having to manage complex-PTSD in my life is deeply challenging and emotional. I have been inundated with so much belligerent judgement, negative bias, and verbal combat in my life that I’m poorly equipped to handle it without breaking down. I now understand that I have a deep need to establish a boundary of no violent communication and a strong need to understand how to practice non-violent communication along with the no transactional relationship boundary.

​

One sincere and special connection I have made because of the Alphasongs 1.0 launch was meeting Kai Cofer, a prolific Los Angeles-based playwright and lyricist. As a result, I am in the process of composing music for one of his musical plays, titled The Process, based on The Trial by Franz Kafka. I’m happy to be able to introduce you to our first eight songs from the play as I re-launch the Alphasongs website. Kai is a great guy, and I’ve enjoyed working with him to the point where we have agreed that I continue to compose music for Kai. Finishing the next twelve songs of “The Process” is a top priority as this current website relaunch (Alphasongs 2.0) is now done.

 

Difficulties

​

Unfortunately, this last year has been another episode of complex trauma in my life. After I launched Alphasongs 1.0 last year, I made a couple connections online that seemed sincere and very possible as contributors to help Alphasongs LLC efforts, but these connections became complicated. Figuring out ways to discern people’s true intentions, being observational, and not rushing to judgement is a process that takes time, along with balancing the desire to be gracious and connect genuinely to people connecting with my music. Through it all, my music and composing these songs had been a lifeboat.

​

The current release of my website, Alphasongs 2.0, is a significant year-long effort to share my dream of becoming a legitimate professional composer and of overcoming the trauma of having been disconnected from my music earlier in my life so that I never have to endure that disconnection again. With the release of this website, I hope to connect with those of you who find meaning and healing for your own lives based on the experiences and messages I share through my music and lyrics.

Thanks for taking time to read my story!