My Sabbatical

For the past several months, my life required a reset of priorities, changes in focus. As I ended 2024, I had put much effort into releasing 12 new songs, producing new You Tube videos for all 22 of my songs and a new version of the Alphasongs.net website. My next steps to market the compositions was put on pause because other areas of my life needed much more attention.

Over the past 6 years, my life has changed through significant growth becoming a composer but also major growth in my self-awareness and the psychology around my difficult history. I put major effort into documenting my personal story on this website. I intend to continue my story on this blog and through my lyrics, but I’ve been a bit stuck these past few months. In fact, my mental health provider provided an official diagnosis of Adjustment Disorder.

Adjustment Disorder often arises from an overload of transitions, and I can list numerous transitions that have made these last 18 months, a most difficult time in my journey. On the one hand, I did complete the new version of this website and released songs. I’m still working on composing the play and rebooting my composition tools onto a new platform (Apple). But my transitions also included divorce, social transitions from family to single life, moving, managing a new household, retirement from my data engineering career, financial management changes and healthcare management changes and complete estrangement from every member of my family for the last 18 months.

On the healthcare side of things, I do manage diabetes and have improved very much in that difficult area back to basically pre-diabetic A1Cs. I feel healthy and comfortable in my own skin. I’m managing well in most other areas, but I am dealing with a couple complications. Last year, I had dental complications with implant surgery that was unsuccessful (dental operation error) but my dentist was able to provide a good solution. I also have an eye condition known as Mac Tel 2. Mac Tel 2 is rare with no known cause, cure or treatment. My central vision is slowly becoming “spotty”. I can manage it, but reading is becoming more difficult. I have an ophthalmologist and a retina specialist.

Also, I have been partially immobilized for the last two and a half years from a wound that has had complications from a skin condition of heavy callusing on my right toe, from an area of habitual childhood self-mutilation. Therapy helped me to understand the childhood bad habit was a typical response to being in an abusive family situation. The wound from blistering 2 ½ years ago while walking in Brooklyn, became ulcerated. Learning how to manage the wound required some time understanding the correct daily dressings along with weekly trips to wound care and podiatry. There was some consideration of amputation. The skin condition made the wound very complex. For over two years, it was a significant challenge for me and my doctors but in the last few weeks, the wound has finally closed, and I’m discharged from wound care. I’m good for low impact exercise and moderate walks again. I still require custom podiatry (orthotics), but no more daily dressings and no more weekly foot appointments.

At the beginning of this year, it was necessary to shift focus to areas of health and well-being, mentally, physically and financially. It was also a priority to finalize my divorce and last year’s tax-return with my ex-wife. Currently, the divorce is final. My retirement from my engineering career is successful with my financial house in order. I have a new mental health therapist, and I am attending focus groups for people from estranged, toxic family situations. I continue to gain understanding of things I was conditioned to ignore from childhood. Childhood Narcissistic Abuse and Complex PTSD are still diagnosed conditions I must manage and am healing from along with the current Adjustment Disorder complications. Let’s just say that my psychological healing is on a much stronger path now that I’m divorced. I’m gaining much more of a sense of myself along with paths to healing.

I do have a much stronger sense of boundaries and purpose. My effort around composing a cappella music is to provide a way to bring singers together around harmonies with meaningful/enjoyable lyrical messages. I am retired comfortably from a good engineering career and certainly don’t need fame or fortune, but I sincerely hope my songs can gain some exposure. This year’s shift in focus away from my composing to deal with more personal matters has been successful as my health and well-being is now trending positive.

Also, I am very happy in my new place. Although moving here was on very short notice and extremely stressful, I am most pleased with my new home space, a refuge and comfort zone. Keeping the place clean and organized is easily managed without help. The kitchen is solid. I can cook almost anything here.  I also have a guest bedroom/bathroom and a nice outside patio. Amenities here include a clubhouse, year-round swimming and a gym. I love the location and am happy to have my living space in order along with improving health and financial stability for my retirement, a definite accomplishment.

It has taken me several weeks to write and re-write this post. My purpose is to reach out to you and let you know that I’m thriving and I’m healing but, I miss many of my old friends. Connections are very important to me right now. Recovering older connections and developing new connections, especially musical, is now in focus. I do feel isolated and am definitely in a difficult creative rut. My focus away from my composing to my personal matters was needed, but it’s time for me to take steps back to composing new a cappella music and adding new songs to my catalog. I feel that making connections will help get me unstuck. Please let me know if you’d like to connect.

I’m also isolated in a very absolute sense from every single person on this world that I have a genetic family relationship with, and it has been that way for the last eighteen months. In some cases, it is therapy prescribed for me to not re-engage with family members caught initiating or enabling a toxic web of belligerent judgement scapegoating against me. This is my circumstances with the family I grew up with and the family I married into. I have limited experience with family members showing me love in my life. Showing those you feel love for, that you love them, is so important, but throughout my life in my family experience it’s been way too sparse in my direction. Right now, I do not have a single person on this earth that I can list as an emergency contact. Definitely no one in my family. Help!

After releasing the first version of my website in May 2023, I was somewhat unprepared for the public exposure I received. It gave me a strong sense of really needing some help managing the social traffic from having a public website for my compositions. This was the period in which I met my lyricist, Kai Cofer. Kai is special. But there was also exposure to people promoting themselves in scams or shady businesses. I was immediately concluding that beyond my music and the website to expose my music, that I really needed help with social media strategies to draw the right traffic to the website.  

Among the numerous messages, there was one person, female, eventually stood out as someone who had strong potential to help me in that area. Over several weeks, I became impressed with her acumen in social media and her communication style. But the conversation stepped up and became more flirtatious, even though this person was totally aware I was married and respectful with me about it. I felt a strong need to stay connected to this lady and see if there was authenticity in her stories and knowhow to help my marketing. I felt her desire to help me and Alphasongs was very genuine and consistent. But without getting into detail, the messages from this person were discovered and they strongly triggered my ex-wife’s jealousies which lead to my ex-wife’s filing for divorce. This person remains an online friend of mine who I care about, but over last year, I came to realize some limitations and potential conflicts of purpose between us. Our communication bandwidth is just not strong enough. Maybe someday we will meet in person. She’s a nice online friend, but I am now seeking a local help with my social media. Let me know if you have thoughts to help me in the social media space. I do have a neighbor that shown some interest.

So, there is where I’m at right now. To put a silver lining on the circumstances, I have begun to realize that I’m experiencing something I always wish I could have had in my former professional career as an engineer, a sabbatical. I guess I am having my sabbatical, finally!! But honestly, I know I need connections right now, both new and old, especially musical connections to help relight my creativity. I know connections and meaningful encounters will get me past my sabbatical and back on track with musical energy. Yes I'm still a composer with many songs yet to write. Not yet retired and on sabbatical. Hopefully, you’ll reach out and contact me in a meaningful, non-transactional and authentic way. I’m open to get past texting and engage on the phone, video-conference or in person. Meeting for coffee or a meal is always good. Let me know. Thanks for your time reading this.